mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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