I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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