I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
