his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
