People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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