if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
