my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
