I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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