The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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