I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
