I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
