My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
