totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
