I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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