Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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