If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
