and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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