WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize