I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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