Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
