New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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