You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize