Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
