my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
