so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
