Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
