I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
