i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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