I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
