They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
