Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize