I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
