Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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