Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
