Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
