Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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