I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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