I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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