Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
