Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
