My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
