Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
