We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
ttyl tear gas
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
