i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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