If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
