In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
