hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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