Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
