My nipple is on Facebook.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i think my cat just said my name.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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