I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
