totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
