Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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