I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
