there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have fence marks all over my body
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
