Pappa wants mamma naked
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
