i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
