I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
