Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
