I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
