Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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