why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
