There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
