apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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